As we begin to have more conversations in the workplace about diversity and inclusion, it can pique the interest of some people who may want to know more about their co-workers who belong to these categories. As a queer, transgender man, I have experienced many uncomfortable conversations at work that have resulted from being part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Of course, it’s great to be eager and willing to learn, and education is integral to creating a safer and more inclusive environment for everyone. You might know someone who identifies as LGBTQ+ and figure they’re the best person to ask those questions. While they might be, they also may not. So, let’s talk about asking questions with particular attention to questions not to ask LGBTQ+ co-workers.
What to Consider Before Asking Questions
Before asking questions, consider a few things:
- Can you educate yourself first? If you haven’t already sought out the answer, do that first. There are lots of resources available online (I’ll provide some at the end of this article).
- Is the person you want to ask the appropriate person? Before asking a potentially personal question, consider your relationship with that person. An acquaintance or co-worker is likely not the best person to ask.
- Consider the context. Is it the best time or place to be asking? (The workplace is likely not the place to ask many of these questions). Questions should be asked at an appropriate time when;
- the person can give an appropriately in-depth response, and
- they’re in a comfortable atmosphere to have the conversation.
- What’s your motive for asking the question? If your motive is simply curiosity, that’s probably not a good enough reason to ask a question.
Questions not to ask LGBTQ+ Co-Workers
After reading this, you might feel more confused or be asking yourself, how do I know whether or not a question is appropriate to ask?
Here are some things to consider
- People in the LGBTQ+ community get asked questions about their identity regularly. It takes a lot of emotional energy to educate people. It feels even more exhausting when we are asked the same questions over and over, particularly if that information could be found online.
- Many well-meaning questions make people uncomfortable because they’re based on assumptions. For example, “So is it a he or a she?” “Who’s the guy, and who’s the girl?” “So, what’s your real name?”
- Often questions don’t have an easy answer – gender and sexuality are complicated and exist along a spectrum. People in the LGBTQ+ community are challenging expectations of how humans look and act based on preconceived notions about gender and changing the dynamic of how romantic relationships should look like. So, even if they want to support your learning, they may not have the ability to answer a question for you in a way that makes sense without all the background knowledge of queer history.
Get Consent First
It’s equally as important to ask for consent before asking a question as it is to be thoughtful of who you’re asking and what you’re asking. Asking for consent can be as simple as “can I ask you a question about X?” and waiting for an answer. It’s also important to be prepared to hear and respect the answer ‘no.’
Asking for consent gives the person you are asking the option to answer the question or let you know a more appropriate time to ask. Some questions can be hurtful or make us feel uncomfortable, so asking for consent first allows us to say no and not have a question impact the rest of our day. If you have a close relationship with a coworker, asking for consent first can allow them to tell you when is a more appropriate time to ask the question or direct you to resources where you can find the information you’re seeking.
What Questions to Ask Your Co-Workers
If you’re learning to be more inclusive to LGBTQ+ folks in your workplace, there may be a few things you feel you need to know about someone to be respectful. For example, the pronouns they use.
While using the correct pronouns is important, you don’t necessarily have to ask someone for their pronouns. (Consider how the fact that you only ask one person their pronouns makes them feel. It singles them out as ‘looking transgender’ when in reality, trans people look all sorts of ways).
Instead of asking, create an inclusive workplace where it’s easy to find out what pronouns a person uses. A workplace can be more inclusive by having workers put their pronouns in places where people can find them such as their email signature or bios on workplace communication channels.
In one-to-one interactions with co-workers, consider introducing yourself with your pronouns first and giving the other person the space to share theirs. Doing so lets the other person know that you care and that you’re a safe person to share with. Of course, after they share their pronouns, you need to use them. (Check out my blog on using pronouns correctly).
What does this look like? I would say, “Hi, my name is Emory, and I use he or they pronouns.”
Final Thoughts
The workplace is most likely not the best setting to ask personal questions about a person’s identity. So, consider the appropriateness of timing and context when thinking about asking questions of LGBTQ+ co-workers. The best things you can do are; (1) educate yourself, (2) not make assumptions.
If you’re motivated to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community, check out these resources:
Have other questions? Let me know in the comments and I’ll try to answer them.
Looking to create a more inclusive website? Contact me to discuss inclusive copywriting.