Over the last decade, our perceptions of family have changed significantly. Queer people have played a significant role in this change. As a result of many queer people being alienated from their biological families after coming out, they began to rely on their chosen family, which could be any number of different people they love and who support them. But even within the context of a romantic partnership, queer people push the boundaries on what family looks like.
There are so many ways to have a family that differ from the nuclear family that consisted of two heterosexual parents and some number of children (in North America, typically 2). Some partners may choose to adopt children, others may choose a surrogate or sperm donor. While others choose not to have children and still consider themselves and their partner (and likely their pets) to be a family – and they would be right.
There is no right or wrong way to have a family.
Even though we have made significant progress in accepting different families and family structures, most people still consider this to be something that a woman or the mother does when it comes to the birthing parent. This is not the case. In reality, any person who has a uterus has the potential ability to birth a child. This means that transgender men and nonbinary folks can, and do, give birth.
However, just because a trans person can be pregnant doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I spoke with my friend Evan about his experience so far with being pregnant.
Evan’s Experience
As a trans man, I have gone through a lot physically, mentally, and emotionally to make my body feel like home. Not all transgender people choose to or have the option to medically transition. The medical transition was important to me, and before becoming pregnant, I was on testosterone for over four years and have also had top surgery.
I believe the reason I have the organs necessary to grow a human is to use them! I strongly feel that being transgender is a blessing because it allows me to create children genetically tied to both myself and my cisgender male partner. A family is a family whether genetics are involved or not, but personally, being genetically linked to my children is something I wanted.
Since having top surgery (which I consider a life-saving surgery), I haven’t had a lot of dysphoria. I identify as a man and move through the world fairly smoothly with that title. I no longer think about my gender on a day-to-day basis because my gender as a man feels comfy. Since being pregnant, that has changed slightly. Although I do not see pregnancy as a gendered journey, many people do. Anything I want to read to educate myself around pregnancy and birthing uses gendered language. I constantly have to explain myself and my identity when I tell people I am a gestational father. My friends and family have been wonderfully supportive, doing their best to learn and respect my identity and journey.
Changing the Way We Talk About Giving Birth
It’s okay if you never thought about the possibility of birth givers not being women; we all have to start somewhere. Here are some tips regarding changing our language around giving birth to support all families and birth givers.
- Use gender-neutral language. (ex: say ‘pregnant people’ rather than ‘pregnant women’)
- Use language about biological parts. (ex: ‘people with a uterus’)
- Don’t assume the gender identity or pronouns of a birth parent.
- Don’t assume the gender of their partner (or even that they choose to be partnered)
Specific Tips for HealthCare Staff
Additionally, here are some specific tips for health care staff when interacting with birthing parents.
- Ask for pronouns
- Ensure you ask for and use the correct name (it may be different from their birth name or current legal name)
- Ask what the baby will call each parent. Don’t assume someone is Mommy just because they are birthing their child.
- Be aware that some people have discomfort around their body parts being exposed; take care to explain procedures before going straight to touching patients.
Testosterone and Fertility
When we talk to most doctors about testosterone and fertility in trans patients, they say it can make you sterile. There is no evidence to back up this claim. For a long time, it was thought that having testosterone in your system could cause cancer in organs such as the uterus or ovaries; this has not been proven. To be honest, we don’t really know what the effects are because there haven’t been studies on it.
As someone who went off testosterone to become pregnant, I had no issues. I am a part of quite a few groups of people who have gone off testosterone to conceive with no problems (some after being on hormones for 10-15+ years), and anecdotally it seems testosterone does not affect fertility.
Testosterone is NOT birth control. If you become pregnant while on it, you need to stop taking it immediately as it is incredibly harmful to a developing fetus.
Most people will have their cycle come back 2-12 months after stopping their testosterone and at that time can harvest eggs or start trying to conceive. If These Ovaries Could Talk has two great episodes in Season 7, Episode 20 and 21, talking about fertility options for trans men. The first is an interview with Oliver, a trans man post hysterectomy (he has kept one ovary), and in part 2, they bring in a fertility specialist to talk about the reality of his options.
Tips for Trans Men Considering Being Birth Parents
If you’re transgedener and considering being a birth parent you likely have a lot of questions and potentially some reservations or fears about the experience. Evan has provided some tips that have helped him through this experience so far.
1 Find community.
There are great Facebook support groups for trans and non-binary people who are interested in fertility. These groups are all private to protect the people within them. Add “Mx Seahorse” as a friend and look at their posts for comprehensive lists of the different groups. Reach out and find a few friends who are going through something similar to normalize your experience.
2 Shop around for supportive midwives or doctors.
You don’t have to go with the first one you meet with. Try not to ask, “Are you LGBT friendly?” and instead ask, “What is your experience working with LGBT patients.” This will give you a better sense of if they have any actual experience working with members of the community.
3 Use people you trust before Google – when possible.
Pregnancy comes with SO many questions. Can I eat this? Can I take this medication? Is this normal? Googling can be tough on your mental health as a gestational parent that is not a mother. Everything is gendered. Personally, I will reach out to other pregnant people or ask my partner to Google the question and tell me the answer, so I am not subjected to being called a mother.
4 Consider creating a visual to define the language you want to use.
For my pregnancy announcement, I let people know that I use the terms: father, dad, gestational parent, pregnant person, person carrying my baby. I do NOT use the terms mother or woman, nor do I identify with womanhood in any way. I also reiterated my pronouns are He/Him. By posting this with my pregnancy announcement, it felt like a preventive measure. People who love me would not call me a mother to hurt me; they would do it because they don’t know any better. Being upfront about the language I am using sets boundaries early.
5 Be understanding that it may be a bit difficult for other people, and have conversations around it.
For example, my family can find it difficult to say, “My son/brother/husband/nephew/grandson is pregnant!” because most people don’t understand, and it turns into a lengthy conversation. The general rule I told my family and friends is that if you will never see this person again, I don’t mind if you use gender-neutral pronouns or words. “My sibling is pregnant, they are really excited!” However, if it is someone you will see again and would like to share the news with, I think the conversation is worth having. “My brother is transgender, and he is pregnant!” This is a personal preference, and each birthing person may have a different opinion and experience with this.
6 It is not your job to educate the world, but it is helpful to move the world forward.
As an elementary school teacher and the SOGI (sexual orientation and gender identity) lead for my school, I plan to be open and honest with children about my pregnancy. I think educating people can feel exhausting, but it is worth answering the questions in a straightforward way. My go-to explanation for children is: “I am a transgender man, which means when I was born people looked at my body and thought I was a girl, I knew in my heart I am a boy. When I became old enough, I took medication to look and feel more like the man I am. Medication doesn’t change body parts, so I am still able to carry a baby! I am still a man even though I am pregnant”.. or something along those lines.
Resources for Trans Birth Parents
Throughout his journey Evan has found some resources that he found helpful; here is a list of some of them:
Books
- Where’s the Mother?: Stories from a Transgender Dad
- How We Do Family: From Adoption to Trans Pregnancy
- Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love, and Relationships Beyond the Binary, Diamond
- Transformed By Birth, Britta Bushnell
- Pregnant Butch: Nine Long Months Spent in Drag, Summers
- Why Did No One Tell Me This?: The Doulas’ (Honest) Guide for Expectant Parents, by Natalia Hailes and Ash Spivak
- What Makes a Baby (great children’s book)
Podcasts
- Transmasculine Birth Ritual
- If These Ovaries Could Talk
- Transgender Dad Shares his Pregnancy & Birth Story
- The Longest Shortest Time: Accidental Gay Parents
- Gender Reveal: Grover Wehman-Brown
Trans friendly Midwives (in the lower mainland)
- Strathcona Midwifery http://www.strathconamidwiferycollective.com
- Inlet Community Birth https://inletbirth.ca
- Midwives Association of BC resource page: https://www.bcmidwives.com/LGBTQIA2S_care.html
Websites
- Trans Fertility Co https://transfertility.co
Classes and Groups:
- FB private groups: Add Mx Seahorse and look at posts for comprehensive lists
- Trans and Queer Pregnancy and Prenatal Group, Zoom groups run out of Strathcona Midwifey, email tqpp.group.bc (at) gmail (dot) com
- Maia Midwifery, https://maia-midwifery-and-fertility-services.square.site/
- All Gender Birth Class, Moss the doula: https://www.mossthedoula.com/
- Eventide Doulas: https://www.eventidedoula.com/
- Love Over Fear Wellness, Zoom groups: https://loveoverfearwellness.com/
Final Thoughts
It’s time to change the way that we think about families and birth parents. If a person has the ability to carry a baby and they choose to do so that’s amazing and completely up to them. What other people need to do is be supportive and change our language about parenting and birthing in such a way that makes trans birthing parents feel safe and accepted.
If you are trans and considering becoming a birth parent, know you’re not alone. It might not be easy but there are many others who have been through this who want to support you.
If you have additional resources that may be helpful, feel free to share them in the comments.