As we started to move out of COVID this spring and the weather started to warm up, I noticed having a different relationship with my body than I am used to. I felt less comfortable in my body, I was unsure of how to dress going out in public, and I was uncertain of how my body was going to look in the types of clothes I was hoping to wear.
Before COVID, I was lifting weights 4-5 days a week, and I felt strong and masculine. COVID not only impacted me going to the gym, but it meant eating more convenient food (often a lot of take-out) and drinking more, which absolutely impacted my body.
In the spring, I posted some social media content about my feelings about my body and got some really positive comments. Although this was really nice, it made me feel guilty about the negative feelings I was having about my body. This led me to all the ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ thoughts. For example, ‘I shouldn’t have negative feelings because I’m thin’ or ‘I should love my body because other people find me attractive.’ But my body image continued to fluctuate regardless of how people interacted with me.
This made me think a lot about how I wanted to change my relationship with my body. I wanted to be able to give myself permission to have negative feelings about my body from time to time without impacting my image of myself or my value as a person. This led to a shift in my thoughts from body positivity to body neutrality.
Yes, my body changed during COVID, but that’s to be expected considering the amount of stress. Giving myself permission to reframe and not focus on positivity helped me to feel more comfortable in my body.
Before discussing this further, it’s crucial to acknowledge that I am a thin, white boy that typically fits into conventional beauty standards. That being said, I am also transgender and consider myself to be more feminine that is typical for the majority of men. My body issues often stem from the fact that I don’t fit in with guys and that wearing what I want often results in worry of being misgendered.
What is body neutrality?
Body neutrality is the idea that you exist in a body that is valuable without placing judgement on it. It’s about accepting your body for what and how it is in this exact moment. It does not place any value on how your body looks.
This is a step away from body positivity that often focuses on beauty standards and, at times, can take positivity too far.
Practicing Body Neutrality
Learning to engage with your body in a neutral way is probably a challenge for most people. So, it’s essential to acknowledge that it will take practice, and you should forgive yourself for the missteps.
Here are some strategies to start thinking about body neutrality.
How you talk to yourself
Think about the ways you currently think about your body. What are the ways that you assign value or judgement to your body? How can you create a more neutral stance around those things?
For me, I worry about the things that make my body feel particularly ‘feminine’ and often have the urge to compare myself to an unrealistic standard for men. So, I’ve started to remind myself that not only is this standard unrealistic for cis men, but even though I would like to not get misgendered, I don’t actually necessarily want to fit in with cis men.
Then take the time to think about the things your body does well and the things it doesn’t. Remind yourself of the things your body does well, like “I can run 1km, “I can ride my bike for 30 minutes, or “my brain is good at solving problems.”
It’s also important to acknowledge the things our bodies don’t do well but learning to assign no judgement to this. Matter-of-factly think about these things and remove any emotional charge from them. For example, “I am not that flexible, “my back gets sore if I stand too long, or “I can’t sit comfortably cross-legged.” Remember, our bodies aren’t perfect, and we shouldn’t expect them to be or feel embarrassment or shame when they aren’t.
How we talk to others
We live in a physical world, so talk of our bodies and how they move in the world is a common topic of conversation. Remember that the beauty standards most of us are used to hearing are unattainable for most people and therefore can be problematic to talk about.
It may be best to simply not talk about bodies in many cases as it can easily slip into something that can negatively impact someone present. It’s also important to remember that we should not be commenting on other people’s bodies in an unsolicited manner, even if we think it’s a positive or neutral thing. Commenting on someone being thin or being tall can seem harmless but can be unsettling for the person receiving the comment for numerous reasons. This can also extend to how we talk about our bodies in conversation with others. If we assign value or judgment to our own bodies, it’s hard for others to not assume we would make the same judgements of them.
For me, it’s particularly important to remember my privilege when I talk about my body in public. It can be challenging to remain neutral, so I often attempt to change the topic of conversation if it comes up.
Also, remember that when we engage with people socially -particularly on social media- they show us a version of themselves they’re happy with. It is unhelpful to continually compare ourselves to others or continue to engage with people who make us feel bad about ourselves.
Dress for yourself
Every person should wear clothes that make them comfortable and happy without judgement from others. Unfortunately, this is challenging for a lot of folks. Many companies do not make clothing that is comfortable or fits all bodies well, which most people can’t change personally and can make them feel bad about their bodies. There is also still a stigma associated with particular bodies wearing specific types of clothing. As a result, clothing can be a balancing act between wearing what makes you happy and comfortable and what makes you emotionally comfortable.
For me, I see my inner self as a gay twink and sometimes would like to wear makeup, crop tops, mesh shirts, or short shorts. But it’s almost impossible for me to not think about how I will be perceived by others. So, it’s a balancing act between my personal comfort level, who I will be engaging with if I go out in public and my emotional threshold for being misgendered.
Exercise
Yes, exercise is good for us, and we should all be engaging in some form of exercise. This does not mean you should be going for a 10km run every day or doing powerlifting. If you move away from a focus on your body’s shape and size and accept your body where it’s at, you also move away from exercises that you dislike that focus simply on burning calories. Move your body in a comfortable way for you and makes you feel good in your body.
Stretch, walk down the block to get a coffee, have a dance party in your living room.
Final Thoughts
We all exist in a body, and this is the unfortunate reality. I hope that we can all move toward a more body-neutral view so we can enjoy our lives without focusing on meeting unrealistic beauty standards.