Do you find yourself questioning whether or not your ‘queer enough’? regardless of how you identify along the LGBTQ+ spectrum. You’re not alone. Many queer people experience this, particularly those who exist somewhere in the middle – like me. So, let’s talk about it, how it can affect us and what we can do about it.
What is imposter syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is literally the experience of feeling like an imposter. It was traditionally applied to workplace situations where people tended to think their accomplishments weren’t achieved based on merit but some outside factor, such as luck. This was similarly used concerning school achievements. But imposter syndrome is not something that’s only experienced in the context of typical achievement or success.
This type of self-doubt can be experienced in several settings, such as at home – not feeling like a good parent or deserving of love. Though here I am going to specifically address how it impacts the queer community, particularly the feeling of not being ‘queer enough.’
How Do Queer People Experience Imposter Syndrome
Of course, the experience of imposter syndrome is individual, but those who experience queer imposter syndrome often feel they need to prove themselves within the LGBTQ+ community. This is likely the result of internal conflicts with societal expectations of queerness.
People tend to be assumed to be cisgender and straight until they ‘come out,’ and even once they come out, they are often expected to fit into particular stereotypes. So, when we don’t fit into these expectations it’s only natural for us to doubt ourselves.
Is the term Imposter Syndrome Problematic?
No matter the context in which we are using the term imposter syndrome, it can, in my opinion, be problematic. Even though imposter does not appear in the DSM-V (Diagnostic Statistical of Mental Disorders), the word syndrome automatically pathologies those who experience genuine feelings of self-doubt. Moreover, self-doubt is a valid and normal emotion and in the context of imposter syndrome, self-doubt often makes sense.
The term imposter also holds a lot of weight, considering its association with fraud and deceit. This is particularly problematic when used in the context of queer identities because it could help to reinforce the ideas that a person is ‘pretending to be someone else.’
Another thing to consider when unpacking the term imposter syndrome is that it tends to put most of the blame on the individual. Meaning that it’s up to the individual to manage their feelings of self-doubt rather than addressing the external causes of doubt.
It does not adequately address the situations or environments that foster these types of feelings or emotional reactions. Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc., increase the likelihood of experiencing self-doubt.
So, why did I use the term imposter syndrome here?
If this is the case, you may be asking; why did you use the term imposter syndrome then? And that’s a great question. Imposter syndrome is a term that has grown in its regular use over the last several years, so it’s something most people understand and can identify with. It’s also a term that will improve the likelihood of this article being found on Google – and the point of writing and sharing stories is for others to read them.
My Experience with Queer Imposter Syndrome
I currently identify as a queer, transgender man. But that’s the simplest version of my identity. I don’t identify strictly within the gender binary and use both he/him and they/them pronouns, and my sexuality aligns somewhere in the middle as well – such as bisexual or pansexual. So, not only is my identity somewhat complicated, a bit ‘wishy washy’ as I like to say. But it took me a long time to settle into this identity, and it is subject to change.
Read more about my coming-out story if you’re interested.
I see queer imposter syndrome arising, both within myself and my community members, in the in-between most often.
Queer Imposter Syndrome and Sexuality
It seems very common for those who identify as bisexual or other similar identities to experience this type of self-doubt. We are often seen as ‘too gay’ in the straight community and ‘not gay enough’ in the queer community.
It’s also common for people to judge a person’s sexuality based on the perceived gender of the person they are in a relationship with. For example, if they appear to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, they are perceived as straight. This can lead to judgements about the person faking their queer identity or ‘being a phase.’ While yes, of course, a person’s identity can change over time, their identity does not change based on the person they are in a relationship with.
Note that I specifically said perceived here. It’s important to note that many people judge a person’s relationship based on a person’s perceived gender. Gender presentation does not equal gender identity. So, even though a couple may appear straight from the outside, you could be misgendering one of them. Sexuality and relationships are often more complicated than they appear on the outside.
If you are bisexual, you are bisexual even if people perceive your relationship as straight.
Personally, I have found the judgement within the LGBTQ+ community to be the most hurtful. Before coming out as trans, I experienced many lesbians refusing to consider dating because I had previously been with men and was still interested in men.
Queer Imposter Syndrome and Gender
People also often experience this type of queer imposter syndrome when it comes to gender identity. For myself, this experience was a result of not feeling ‘man enough.’ I didn’t come out as transgender until my mid-20s, and I didn’t start medically transition until I was 26 years old. This stemmed from self-doubt. I didn’t think I could be trans because I don’t fit into the box of what I defined masculinity as.
When I finally did come out as trans and started testosterone, I had a few people ask, ‘why can’t you just be okay being a tomboy or a masculine of centre woman?’ It hurt to hear those things because that’s how I identified most of my life, and I was unhappy with that. I never felt comfortable with that identity.
Now, I consider myself a somewhat femme queer boy, and I am happy with that. I feel comfortable identifying as a guy and have allowed myself to break free from what we are told a man ‘should’ be.
If a cisgender man can be applauded for breaking gender stereotypes I should be able to do the same without being misgendered.
Emory Oakley
How to Manage Queer Imposter Syndrome
1 Remember, this is normal.
It’s normal to experience some self-doubt. You are not alone in this experience. Take the time to remind yourself that these feelings are normal and valid, but they do not negatively reflect your identity.
Talk to the people around you about their experience of queer imposter syndrome and self-doubt.
2 Stop comparing
It’s easy to compare ourselves to others and think that we are good enough or doing it wrong. There is not a right or wrong way to be queer.
3 Pave your own way
Take the time to discover yourself. Figure out what labels you are comfortable with and how you want to present yourself without the constraint of any predetermined boxes. Queers have been pushing the envelope forever, and it’s our right to determine who we want to be and how we want to exist in the world.
4 Know your identity is not impacted by your experience
Many young queers feel they cannot use specific labels or doubt their identities based on their experience – often their sexual experience. You don’t need to have sex to know your sexuality. Sexuality is developed relatively young, and if straight people can understand and be comfortable with their sexuality and sexual attraction before sex, so can we.
Again, I notice this most often with those who are bisexual and sexually active. Just because you’ve had sex with the opposite sex, but not the same sex, does not mean you can’t be confident you’re bisexual.
5 Changing your identity does not mean you’re an imposter
Our identities change over time as we allow ourselves the freedom and opportunity to explore. This does not mean that your previous identity was invalid or that you were an imposter; you are simply exploring and have found something that fits better.
It’s also okay to explore something and find out that it doesn’t work for you.
Final Thoughts
Managing queer imposter syndrome does not only mean working on ourselves to manage our own feelings. It also means educating people to create a safer community for queer folks without homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, etc.
It’s also essential to support one another in the queer community. We can accomplish so much more together than we can if we are divided. We are supposed to be a community of love and support and understanding. But honestly, you don’t have to understand someone else’s identity to respect them and support them.
To be honest, I can’t say I understand not liking everyone. Because I am pansexual I don’t find people attractive based on any particular gendered characteristics, so it’s challenging for me to really understand how straight people are exclusively attracted to the same sex and gay people attracted to the same. But I don’t have to get it to support their ability to choose and to exist in a world that supports them.
So, let’s celebrate queer identities in all of their uniqueness and thank queer folks for pushing the boundaries on gender and sexuality to make way for change.