When you come out yourself as transgender, or have simply decided to explore your gender identity, it can be really exciting time but it can also be scary. There are so many unknowns when it comes to exploring gender expression and gender identity as well as some potential fear of how people in our lives are going to react to the changes.
Note: in this article I will be using the term transgender as an umbrella term for anyone whose gender identity doesn’t entirely align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
So, as trans people, how do we go about exploring our gender identity and what pronouns we are most comfortable with?
Exploring Gender
First know that it’s okay to not know. It’s also okay for things to change over time as well as for things to change multiple times – that’s why we explore.
It’s important to know that gender identity and gender expression are different. Gender identity is each person’s internal and individual experience of gender. It is their sense of being a woman, a man, both, neither, or anywhere along the gender spectrum. A person’s gender identity may be the same as or different from their birth-assigned sex. While gender expression is how a person publicly presents their gender. This can include behaviour and outward appearance such as dress, hair, make-up, body language and voice. A person’s chosen name and pronoun are also common ways of expressing gender.
We can play with different ways of expressing our gender in order to help us determine what our gender identity is. This exploration can lead us to realizing that we are transgender or that we are cisgender but prefer to express our gender in different ways than we were socialized. Both are totally okay.
If you do determine that we are transgender, or you have already, the next step for many folks is determining what label they want to use for themself as well as what pronouns are most appropriate. Note that this label can change over time as your relationships with gender changes and you do not have to choose a label for yourself at all if you don’t want to.
Some people find using particular labels to identify themselves validating and help them to identify with a particular community while others find them constraining.
Here are some terms that you might want to explore/familiarize yourself with if you’re new to the LGBTQ+ community and exploring different ways of engaging with gender.
My Experience with Labels
I now identify as a queer trans man but growing up I was comfortably tomboy and as a result didn’t start exploring my gender identity until my early to mid 20s. I had a hard time coming to terms with my gender identity as well as my sexuality. This was a result of the norms I was socialized to believe about each binary gender as well as my lack of understanding that gender identity and sexuality are two completely unrelated things.
So, as I began to separate myself from ‘being a girl’, I fell into the nonbinary label because even though I didn’t feel like a girl, I was still in touch with my femininity – which, at the time, I felt disqualified me from being a boy. As I began to explore my gender further, learned more about the community, and ultimately started testosterone, I began to feel more comfortable with the term trans man. Although ‘passing’ as a man is not the goal for me, I do feel more aligned with being a feminine boy than anything else.
So, as I mentioned, gender identity is also fundamentally different from a person’s sexual orientation. Explore both, if that’s what you want, but know that who you are attracted to does not impact your relationship with gender identity or gender expression.
Note: the term passing means being perceived a cisgender. I put the term in quotes above because I personally feel the idea of passing to be problematic as it puts too much pressure on transgender folks to perform gender in such a way that aligns with traditional gender roles and expectations.
Exploring Pronouns
Typically when a transgender person first comes out, they change what pronouns they would like people to refer to them as. For folks to identify as binary transgender, transitioning from one binary gender to the other – i.e female to male, or male to female – that may be simple. They go from using “she/her/hers” to “he/him/his” or vice versa.
Note: even if you do feel like you’re a binary trans person, it’s okay for switching pronouns to feel weird at first. You might do a double take when people first start using the new pronouns or it just might feel weird in general – that’s normal. It’s likely that you will adjust and it will get more comfortable and familiar over time. If it doesn’t, you might want to consider exploring other pronouns.
For folks who are less binary, or are unsure where they fit along the gender spectrum, it can be challenging to determine which pronouns feel the best for you. Many people choose the gender neutral singular “they/them” pronouns but there are also other neo pronouns that people choose such as “ze, zir, zem”. Explore other pronouns options here.
Here is a great resource to send to folks on how to use they/them pronouns.
Unsure of how to figure out what pronouns to use? Here are some tips on how to explore:
- Try writing/talking about yourself in the third person using different pronouns.
- Start with a couple close friends and ask them to try using a new set of pronouns for you to see how it feels (you can also do this with a new name).
My Experience With Pronouns
When I first came out I exclusively used “they/them” pronouns as I felt that was the best option with my nonbinary identity. I don’t dislike “they/them” pronouns but they didn’t ever feel exactly right. I also had a challenging time with correcting people and since I have social identity, it was difficult for me when people asked questions, wanted me to explain, or were simply confused because they thought that they should always be plural.
Now I use “he/him” and “they/them” pronouns interchangeably. “He/him” doesn’t feel any more comfortable to me necessarily but it is easier because now that I am 3 years on testosterone, more people are likely to assume “he” and it’s overall less confusing for folks. That being said, it’s important to note that you absolutely do not have to accommodate those around you or do what is easiest for them. Do what’s right for you and what makes you comfortable and happy.
Personally I don’t find either pronoun to be better so I often default to “he” out of convenience. To be completely honest I wish that pronouns just weren’t a thing.
Correcting People on Pronouns
Correcting people on your pronouns can be challenging and scary for folks. Even after coming out 6 years ago, I still have a difficult time with correcting folks sometimes.
Sometimes it can be best to get ahead of the problem rather than reacting to it. That means introducing yourself with your name and pronouns so you hopefully don’t have to correct people later. So, when meeting someone new, I would introduce myself by saying “Hi, my name is Emory. I use he/him pronouns”. Yes, this is going to feel weird at first but it does get easier. I also believe everyone should start practicing this so it’s less uncomfortable for trans folks and we make less assumptions about people in general. So, if you have friends who are supportive ally’s, consider asking them to start introducing themselves this way as well.
Correcting people can still be challenging so my best suggestion is to practice with people you trust or in the mirror. It can help to practice correcting people out loud as well as it helps you to develop phrases that feel the most comfortable to say so you can have them in your back pocket when people make a mistake.
When I was struggling the most with correcting people, I also had a friend suggest that when someone makes a mistake to just act really confused. I kind of think this is awesome but I was personally never confident enough to do it.
Also check out this article I wrote about how to use pronouns correctly to send to your friends.
Final Thoughts
There is no right away to engage with ones gender identity or gender expression as well as no right way to be transgender or transition. Take the time to explore and figure out what’s best for you and find people who will support you through the process.
Know your identity is valid no matter what label you’ve settled on. Even if you feel like you’re comfortable in your identity and with the label you’ve chosen know that it’s okay for that to change over time. Gender is a social construct that we’ve made up, make it work for you.