Coming out is a scary thing, and it seems as though for many of us coming out to our families is the scariest. We are told our family is supposed to love us unconditionally but worry that being queer is going to change that.
Before I talk about managing the reaction of our family members I want to say it’s important to note for young people, those living at home or anyone who is otherwise dependent on their parents it’s important to consider your safety when coming out. If you think your parents aren’t going to be supportive of your identity and this might put you at risk consider whether or not it makes sense to come out now, or have a back up plan if it doesn’t go well.
I personally didn’t come out until after I’d graduated high school and was living on my own. Read more about my coming out here.
How to Deal with Unsupportive Family Members
First, know that unsupportive right now, particularly when you’ve first come out, does not mean unsupportive forever. Family may be shocked and caught off guard when we first come out and don’t know how to react. They may be scared about what this means for our future and/or mourn the person they thought we were going to become. This seems to be particularly true for trans folks as many families fear how challenging the process of transition is going to be as well as grieve over the person they feel like they’ve lost.
Give your family members time. This does not mean you have to take on a significant amount of labour around this though. If they need education or support provide them with resources or support groups. One great resource is PFLAG. Check out my blog on how to use pronouns correctly if your family is struggling with that.
Education can also help them to manage some of the concerns they have. For example, their initial reaction may be that they aren’t going to be a grandparent. But that isn’t necessarily true, there are so many ways to have a family.
Remember homophobia isn’t something that’s going to change over night but continue to gently push them to behave in ways that support you. And as long as they aren’t being abusive try to remain hopeful that they will come around.
What does push gently mean?
To me, pushing gently means standing up for yourself and making corrections around behaviour when it’s safe to do so. This means reminding family members to not make homophobic or transphobic jokes, correcting them on your name and pronouns, insisting that they refer to your partner in a way that is correct (not your ‘friend’), etc.
What to do if homophobia continues
If you’ve been out to your family for a while and have continually corrected them and provided them with education it’s okay to decide to cut your losses and not spend time with them. We should not feel obligated to spend time with family members who are disrespectful or treat us poorly.
The great thing about the LGBTQ+ community is that we have created a community. Many LGBTQ+ people have fostered circles of chosen family with other queer people who maybe also don’t have supportive family, or have relocated to a city that is more openly supportive. Often these groups will spend holidays together rather than with their blood families and they’re there to support one another in ways their families weren’t.
So, know you’re not alone, there are people out there who love and support you. If you’re located in an area where meeting other LGBTQ+ people in person seems less likely, reach out online.
Homophobia and Abuse
Sometimes unsupportive family members can be abusive in how unaccepting they are in our identities. You are never obligated to maintain connections with people who are toxic or abusive no matter who they are.
If you are experiencing abuse from family regardless of whether or not it’s physical, mental, or emotional find someone supportive to talk to. Maybe you have other family members who will be supportive, a school counsellor, or someone else in your life you can trust.
Always deal with your physical safety first. If you’re at risk, consider speaking to the authorities.
Once you’re physically safe, consider seeking professional mental health support. It’s really hurtful to feel rejected by our family members and it can be incredibly helpful to work through those feelings. Remember there’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve love and respect.
My Experience with Coming Out to Family
If you’ve read my coming out story you know I’ve come out a few times over the years; first as bisexual, then as nonbinary, and finally as a queer trans man. Unfortunately, coming out is an ongoing process and even when it comes to family you could end up coming out more than once.
I have been fairly lucky that my family has done their best, for the most part. Yes, of course it still took my family some time to adjust and yes they still make mistakes when it comes to my pronouns. But they show effort and that’s what is important to me. I’m not super close with most of my family so they don’t get a ton of time to practice which definitely contributes to the slip ups. I’m also still not very good at correcting people.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to be loved and supported no matter how you identify. If your family isn’t going to support you, know it’s okay to cut ties and find family and community elsewhere. Also, your identity is valid regardless of where you are in the process and where or not you are out.
If you’re struggling and don’t know who to turn to consider reaching out to the Trans Help Line 1-877-330-6366.