They say we can still experience grief when a celebrity dies because in many ways they are connected to our lives. In many cases, they’ve had a profound impact on our life regardless of whether or not we ever actually met them (most of the time we haven’t). So, I don’t know why I am so hard on myself when a family member I wasn’t close with dies. If we are given permission to grieve the death of a celebrity, we should also have permission to grieve in a way that makes sense for us when it comes to anyone else in our life. As I write this I can’t help but think ‘of course we should have permission to grieve in any way, or not at all’ but somehow when it comes to my own life the rules are different.
In 2020, two of my grandmothers died (yes, I did have extra grandparents growing up due to being remarried) neither as a direct result of COVID but because of the pandemic I was not able to see either of them before they died and there was no funeral or celebration.
My relationship with most of my family members isn’t particularly contentious or problematic but at the same time, we aren’t particularly close. Generally, I only see the majority of my extended family on special occasions such as Christmas, which means seeing them once a year. One of my grandmothers though doesn’t live locally, so it had been almost two years since I had seen her.
Both times when I got the news of their passing, one in late spring and the other in the fall, I felt numb. I didn’t know what to say when my dad told me over the phone and I didn’t know how to manage my feelings. Yes, I cried after hanging up the phone, asked my partner to hold me but otherwise, it didn’t impact my life as much as I thought it might. So, of course, me being an anxious human, who overthinks everything, I felt bad for ‘not feeling bad enough’.
Managing Grief in Isolation
In most cases having closure and being surrounded by family or other loved ones helps with the process of grief. So, being unable to have celebrations for the lives of our loved ones and being disconnected from others can make the grief process more challenging. That being said, what can we do to manage our grief during these challenging times?
- Name and validate your feelings. It’s important to acknowledge our feelings, regardless of what they are, and give ourselves time to feel them.
- Stay connected. It can feel isolating to not be able to get together with friends and family during these difficult times, but it’s important to stay connected. Find creative ways to do so.
- Think of good memories. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, try to remember something good about them or the relationship you shared. Now might be a great opportunity to write these things, or find old pictures and other things they loved and create a memory box for them.
- Take care of yourself. Grief is challenging at the best of times and right now things are more challenging than ever. Not only give yourself permission to feel your feelings but take care of your physical and emotional needs. Engage in self-care practices, make sure you’re sleeping enough, connect with nature, get out and exercise if you can.
- Remember that grieving takes time and the process isn’t linear. Often we aren’t given enough time to grieve, both socially as well as time off from our jobs. Grief is a personal process and it can take a year or more for grief to feel less strong.
- Reach out for support. If you’re struggling on your own don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. A number of counsellors and other mental health professionals are offering services online that are accessible. Remember that reaching out for support does not mean that you’re weak or that you have failed to manage something on your own. You are never obligated to manage something on your own.
Grief Other Than Death
The last twelve months have been incredibly challenging and even if we haven’t lost someone close to us many of us are still experiencing feelings of grief. Grief is an experience of loss and this does not necessarily have to be a person or even something tangible. Most of us have lost a lot. We are grieving the world that we are never going to go back to, the things we weren’t able to do or experience this year, and many of us are even experiencing anticipatory grief as a result of the unknowns that may follow.
These experiences are challenging to deal with because most of us haven’t experienced them before. So that exhaustion or grey cloud of sadness that feels like it’s coming from nowhere may actually be grief. Know that you are not alone in this feeling, that your feelings are valid and we will get through it.
How I am Managing
I am overly critical of myself at the best of times. I want my sadness or my anxious feelings to come from somewhere specific because then it feels like there is something to fix. That the feelings can be managed if only I can manage the cause. Unfortunately with depression and anxiety, there isn’t necessarily a cause, and even if there is, ‘fixing’ that thing isn’t going to make the anxiety or depression go away.
This year, my depression and anxiety have been worse as a result of the pandemic and the grief I have experienced. My emotional threshold is lower, so I am sad and crying or anxious over things that likely wouldn’t have impacted me in the past.
What I am trying to do is to remind myself that it’s important to be gentle with myself during this time. I am giving myself permission to feel my feelings and lean on the people who care about me. Sometimes that means crying into my coffee for no reason. Or crying because I feel so incredibly lucky to have so many supportive and loving people in my life.
I am reminding myself as often as I can that I am doing my best and I just keep moving forward. I truly believe it’s going to get easier.