When we talk about ‘coming out’ we are often talking about the story that involves when a person first outwardly expresses their sexuality and/or gender to their friends and family. But coming out is so much more complicated than that. Coming out is not just a one-time event for most people. Coming out often happens in stages and is an ongoing process.
Today I identify as a queer (read bisexual) transgender man and this is my story.
My Experience Coming Out – The First Time
I grew up in a relatively conservative area in British Columbia, Canada where it was uncommon, at least at the time, to talk about gender and sexuality. In high school, in the early 2000s, I distinctly remember a classmate of mine being ‘outed’ (disclosing someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent) and subsequently being bullied so badly that his parents ultimately decided it would be best that he moved schools. I also remember a girl in my class being teased for being a lesbian because she apparently looking at other girls in the change room. As a result, I didn’t even begin to question my sexuality or my gender because I was subconsciously taught that it was bad.
I started to question my sexuality in university when I met a girl who was openly bisexual. It didn’t take me long to discover my bisexual identity and acknowledge that myself. I disclosed it to my partner at the time as well as my friends and was mostly met with support. Although I chose not to disclose to my father, or anyone else in my family (except my sibling) because I was unsure whether or not they would be supportive and I didn’t think it was relevant, particularly while I was dating someone of the opposite gender.
I eventually decided to disclose my sexuality to my family as a means to take some of the heat off of my sibling. They were struggling with their relationship with our father at the time but I won’t go into that.
The coming out experience was pretty weird. I did it on Christmas Day and the conversation got interrupted by a call from my Grama to say Merry Christmas. So, once we’d all taken a turn speaking on the phone I attempted to return to the conversation and asked ‘do you have any questions?’ My dad just shrugged, non committally said something like ‘not really’ and we never spoke of it again. Not even when I had my first girlfriend, although I never officially told my dad she was my girlfriend.
The Second Time
I started to question my gender identity when I was around twenty-three years old or so. Over the years I’d had many negative experiences with my body but never understood them as gender dysphoria, I just thought I didn’t look like other girls and that made me uncomfortable. I have always had slender hips and a very small chest and my body proportions made it so that much of the clothing ‘made for women’ didn’t fit me the way I thought it should.
For a long time, I accepted that I was a tomboy and was mostly okay with that even though it didn’t fit exactly right.
When I first came out with my gender identity I identified as non-binary, exclusively used they/them pronouns, and eventually settled on a new name. Although this felt better it didn’t exactly fit me and always correcting people on my pronouns was exhausting for a person with fairly severe social anxiety (at least at the time). I initially came out to a few friends and they helped me with testing out new names. Then I came out to a broader group of people, including a few of the communities I was a part of, including the Vancouver Poetry Slam community. I was lucky to have had curated a great group of queer friends who accepted me and helped me along the journey. I came out to my family quite a while later, most of which through email or other text-based means.
It took most of my family a while to understand and some of them still don’t but at this point, at least all of them are using my name which is better than nothing.
At twenty-six years old I started Testosterone and that changed my life. Testosterone made me feel so much more comfortable in my body and allowed me to feel okay about my ‘manness’. The reason I think it was so challenging for me to come to terms with my gender identity is that I am still fairly feminine, but testosterone allowed me to feel more comfortable being a feminine boy and that fits me a lot better.
Another thing that made me feel better about my sexuality and gender that I find interesting is my feelings of ‘gayness’. Once I came to terms with my queer identity I felt really connected to the LGBTQ+ community which made me feel really ‘gay’. Although I am attracted to women I have always been more attracted to more masculine energy and tend to end up in relationships with cisgender men. So it felt like an ‘ah ha’ moment when I realized I am a feminine trans boy because then I could be gay. (Even though I am still technically bisexual).
The Ongoing Process
Coming out is an ongoing process because we live in a world that assumes cisgender heteronormativity until proven otherwise. As a result, I am often correcting people on my pronouns because they think I am ‘girl enough’ or ‘feminine enough’ to be a girl so I must be a girl. I am also often correcting people on the gender of my partner(s) because even when people read me as a man they expect me to be in a relationship with a woman.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I want to be out in general because I know not all people are safe enough or comfortable enough to do so. But being an educator who is gay And transgender – it is not easy to be out. I do not hide anything but it feels like a have a coming out story for every new person I meet or interact with. Coming out to new people is a life long process. Love your articles!